My Decision to Adopt

I’ve already written a little about the adoption process in this blog but I realized the other day that I had not yet tackled one of the most important topics – the decision to adopt.  My informal research gathered over about ten years of talking with people who are considering adoption, in the midst of the adoption process, or already parents suggests that each person comes to their own decision to adopt in their own way.  There is no cookie-cutter definition of who adopts, how, or why.  Rather, each family or prospective family has their own unique tale to tell.

Thinking back, my decision to adopt probably took root in the mid-1980’s when I was living and working in Japan after graduating from college.  During that time, I periodically transited through the Tokyo airport.  I distinctly remember seeing young Korean children in the international terminal at Narita each time I passed through that airport.  One time, I came upon a crowd of passengers gathered around a group of Korean infants who were lying on several padded benches that had been pushed together.  As I approached to see what everyone was looking at, all of a sudden, the crowd began to clap.  It turned out, one of the Korean infants had just rolled over on that airport bench for the first time.

Several times, I flew on a Northwest airlines flight from Tokyo via Seattle and Minneapolis to Philadelphia.  Also on these flights were young Korean children on their way to the US for adoption.  The first time I saw this process in action was after we landed in Seattle.  I was amazed when a bunch of American men and women hopped on the plane to take the children off, feed, change, and bathe them, and then return them to the plane for their flight onward.  In Seattle that first time, I also saw several waiting families -- families who were adopting some of those Korean children.  When we landed in Minneapolis, I was astonished to see this same process occur again.  There was a whole network of volunteers across the US who met each flight carrying children headed to the US for adoption. 

I found the whole process incredibly moving and amazing.  I could barely comprehend what I had seen that first trip home from Japan.  I could not get it out of my head.  It was like being in the delivery room – families were created before my eyes.  More unbelievable for me, though, was the idea that complete strangers from different countries and cultures trusted in a process involving two governments, unknown bureaucrats, and two sets of laws and regulations to get it right and help them build a family.

Astonishing as this all was, I eventually returned from Japan, went to graduate school and began the rest of my life.  For years, I did not consider adopting.  I simply was not ready to have children.  Fast forward a number of years and there it was – the ubiquitous ticking maternal clock getting louder and louder.  To further complicate matters, I did not have a husband or even a serious boyfriend. 

After much soul-searching and a couple of false starts, I eventually decided to move ahead with the adoption process.  I can not really explain my decision to adopt or why I chose to adopt rather than pursue other methods of having a child other than to say it just felt right.  It was sort of like when I was in my senior year of high school and visiting colleges or many years later when I was looking to buy a house and traipsing about my town looking at every three bedroom two bath house that was for sale.  The college and the house selection processes were fairly similar – and I received lots of advice.  Folks said things like “you’ll just know it when you see it” or “it will just feel right in your gut when you see it”.

It may seem funny or even a bit trite…..but that is how I felt when I finally decided to adopt.  I was at complete peace with my decision.  I just knew this was the way for me to proceed.  Nine years ago – almost to the day, I became a mother.  Fortunately, I experienced this joy again just over three years ago.

Despite my own highly positive experiences with the intercountry adoption process, I would not try to sway anyone towards adoption.  This is a decision each person needs to come to on their own or as a couple.  Sometimes people need to grieve for the children they will never bear or to grapple with the idea of becoming a multi-racial family.  Sometimes, like me, a person just needs to finally be ready to have a child in their life.  For me, adopting was the best decision I ever made.